The Weight of Being the Eldest Daughter

When the child becomes the parent

Growing up I learned to solve problems before I even understood them.

As eldest daughters, we are like second mothers and like mothers we take on multiple roles. We become the peacemaker, protector, therapist and everything in between, combined into one.

You get easily accustomed to being the one people rely on and run to when they have a problem. We are burdened with everyone else’s problems but hate to make others burden our own.

I’ve grown accustomed to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the fact that I never felt like I was allowed to be emotional, it’s a bit hard to do when you have everyone else’s feelings to worry about.

I think I put myself into a stress-induced state that froze my Amygdala (the part of the brain that processes emotions) because of it.

The Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Being first-born daughters, we often step into the role of caregivers unwillingly developing Eldest Daughter Syndrome.

The phenomenon is described as ‘the unofficial, unpaid role of managing the family dynamic, foisted upon women from a young age because they have the emotional intelligence and age advantage’. There is an unspoken expectation and silent responsibility to be strong, reliable and always put together. To be role models. For the eldest daughters of households with non-English speakers, there are extra responsibilities having to translate for parents, doctors’ appointments and the list goes on.

This process is called parentification. This refers to the role reversal of parents and children. Eldest daughters have been parentified taking on the roles that their parents typically should have. This typically includes taking on more adult roles from a younger age. From cooking, cleaning, and looking after siblings, to becoming makeshift and underpaid therapists mediating family and parental disputes. Eldest daughters are expected to take on the role of this maternal figure all without complaint and persevere.

With taking on adult/parent roles in the home, we aren’t allowed to act our age, and we are denied part of our childhood when we have to look after everyone else.

Being the Black Eldest Daughter

An extra layer is added to this when you are a woman of colour, specifically Black women. Societal tropes like the “mammy” and “strong Black woman” exacerbate these expectations, erasing the needs of Black eldest daughters and adding layers of self-sacrificial pressure that expect us to abandon our childhoods and become parent-like figures.

Black women have historically been holding families and communities together. We bear the weight of everybody and carry others on our backs. We are expected to never crack and take on huge roles in the family & home even when we are unequipped to do so. There is a pervasive expectation that Black women should embody self-sacrifice, with our existence often framed as being in service to others. Society imposes an identity upon us that is shaped by these ideals, demanding we adhere to unrealistic standards of resilience and emotional stoicism, even in the face of adversity.

Being the eldest daughter in the family you often undergo a rite of passage marked by the heavy responsibilities and expectations placed upon us. On the surface, it’s a role that should be worn with pride. The weight of being the eldest daughter follows you into life even away from the responsibilities of the family. You find yourself still having to worry about the well-being of other grown adults because that’s all you know. When I was younger, I thought all this extra responsibility and being perceived as mature or older for my age was the highest honour. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realise it isn’t the honour I once deemed it to be. I now understand the weight and burden that responsibility carries.

As I grew older, I realised this was something I had to come to terms with. This responsibility wasn’t something explicitly taught—it was a feeling I unconsciously internalised. Being the eldest daughter often means shouldering an invisible burden—an unspoken expectation to always be strong, reliable, and “put together.” But this constant strength comes at a cost. Always being the “strong one” is emotionally exhausting.

It’s exhausting to have to always feel pressured to have everything under control when you don’t. There’s no space to crumble or room to fall apart.

Leaving behind our ‘obligation’

For so long, eldest daughters often feel obliged to take care of their families, and this can make it difficult to build healthy relationships or set boundaries. Without even realising it, we continue the cycle of caregiving, giving more than we ever receive. It’s no surprise that many firstborn daughters become chronic people pleasers, perfectionists, or passive communicators, often carrying the weight of anxiety as a result.

Moving forward means recognising the importance of putting yourself first—not in a way that neglects others, but in a way that values your own needs and self-care. Setting boundaries, saying no, and reclaiming your life are not selfish acts—they’re necessary ones. While there can be moments of pride and deep connection in being an eldest daughter, especially when caring for siblings, this role should never come at the expense of your identity or well-being.

Unlearning harmful narratives and embracing self-compassion allows us, as eldest daughters, to break free from the cycle of undue burden and move toward a future where our needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

To every eldest daughter reading this.

You are seen and we know the strength you carry even when you don’t want to.

Allow yourself to be seen, it’s okay to be seen & to not be the strong one for once.

So, to every eldest daughter who feels this invisible weight, it’s okay to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to let others see the struggles behind the strength.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to break down, you don’t need to hold it together all the time.

I see you and one day I hope you see yourself too not as a strong woman but as someone deserving of love and care and most importantly rest.